Tags
brother, compassion, dying, empathy, love, Mental Health, mental illness, pain, schizophrenia, sister, suicide
November 2012
‘KEN’ by Lesley Fletcher
Ken – a 61 year old male plagued by a lifelong battle with alcohol and mental illness. His high functioning days have long passed.
Jackie – 60 year old female, sister to Ken and advocate of his needs.
Ken stands before his audience telling his story. He is dressed in sweatpants, a t-shirt and cardigan. His voice is deep and grovelled; his pace of delivery is slow and deliberate. It sounds as though he is drowning, gurgling when he speaks following repeated guzzles of beer. He peers at the audience without seeing them. Jackie, his sister adds to Ken’s story by expressing what took place in fact. She stands off to one side allowing him his own voice.
KEN
I’ll probably die today and I’m okay with that.
I’ll have earned another label then. The friendly schizophrenic who couldn’t take life anymore in spite of medi-cocktails, cigarettes and cases of beer. But that wouldn’t be true. It is my physical pain that is killing me by the minute. It is that pain I can’t tolerate anymore. Nineteen lives, electro shock, and it is this pain that will likely, finally do me in.
JACKIE
My brother, within the boundaries of his physical illnesses, alcoholism and mental illness has none the less walked tall through life with a gentle soul and a giving spirit. He isn’t prone to a depressive episodes. I fear the pain from the fall, four months ago will be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.
KEN
Are you thinking (now) what I think you are thinking? Who cares? He is going to spiel black poetry, where is my phone? where is the exit? I am uncomfortable with this. What if he starts talking about maggots taking over his corpse or worse – what if he starts spewing paranoid black poetry…
(theatrical voice along with awkward arm movements)
‘And convoluted passages of thought,
in skeins of turmoil, fret beneath my skin,
till everything is convoluted
coil and fractals of complexity unsought,
and disembodied thoughts are trapped within,
till to even try to speak is too much toil.’
(embarrassed giggle)
A brethren wrote that. I understand it well.
No, today is not a day of convolution.
Clearly when I walked into the emergency room, four times over the past three months I was not convoluted. I remember wondering why the same doctor was there each time. I remember knowing that the same treatment would be suggested. ‘Go to the pharmacy and pick up these pills for your back pain.’ She advised. ‘I can’t prescribe any pain narcotics for you.’ ‘Oh, and take a warm bath’. And each time, I cried silent tears as I shuffled away, knowing the pain would continue and my stomach would burn and wretch, escalating my pain to the next level once again.
JACKIE
Although I told him to have a shower and put on fresh clothes to go to the hospital he didn’t. Time after time he hauled his super-sized zip-lock bag of prescription meds and his sorry ass into the emergency where he was greeted with distain. Weeks worth of grime on both his clothing and his skin forged the doctors’ conclusion that he was exaggerating his pain for gain of a narcotics pain killer. He looked like a street bum. They were wrong. Dead wrong.
KEN
So. Today I took them all. Pills upon pills upon pills upon pills. My case is propped beside me. The beer is getting warmer by the hour.
I am human first after all.
Sleepy now. Sleepy now. Sleep will come soon I hope because sitting in the warmth of my own urine is making me cold. I wish I had a blanket.
JACKIE
We had formed a pact after our mother died to call each other every day. This day I couldn’t reach him.
KEN
Ah there it is – the perpetual knocking at my door. It’s death calling on me.
JACKIE
I knocked as hard as I could on the window. He didn’t move.
KEN
Finally I hear the bells – The bells of the cathedral of eternal love.
JACKIE
The ambulance attendant smashed the glass of the window. He didn’t stir.
KEN
It is breezy – I am refreshed by death.
JACKIE
They seem to take forever to get through the tiny basement window of his apartment.
KEN
Something is not right – I am being kidnapped. They have gagged me. I am in restraints! Oh god please tell me there’s no psych ward in heaven!
JACKIE
The attendants were rough as they snapped on the oxygen mask and strapped him tightly to the board.
KEN
I’m in the trunk – they won’t get ransom for me. They are driving too fast. They’re going to get caught speeding. They’re going to get caught. They won’t get ransom for me. I am dead. Ransom for corpses incorporated.
JACKIE
They are taking their sweet time. Does his life not deserve sirens?
KEN
Only I know that death is just a continuation of life now.
JACKIE
What if he wakes up? He’s going be scared. He’s going to think they are taking him back to psych.
KEN
The doors to the morgue freezers are closed now. The slab is cold. I wonder when death will start to feel heavenly.
JACKIE
Finally the ambulance arrives at the hospital.
KEN
He’s opened the fridge door again.The mortician is sliding me back out. The spray is cold. They are washing my body. Preparing me for heaven.
JACKIE
The February rain is teaming down in buckets
KEN (silent scream eyes open briefly – lasting until he passed out again)
JACKIE
They drop the fuckin’ gurney. It slams hard onto the pavement. I see his body bounce. The restraints break open.
KEN
I’m numb.
JACKIE
He opens his mouth to scream but no sound comes out. He tries to move but can’t. He is almost dead. In shock.
KEN
The mortician is poking me with needles. Preparing me for heaven…
JACKIE
They immediately run him into emerge. It’s about bloody time. The doctor administers some relief.
KEN
Ah Heaven … Finally
JACKIE
Well, as a result of the careless mishandling of him as a human being, Ken finally got his back x-rayed. It has been broken in three places since his fall in November, four months ago. They are really good to him here. They don’t want to get sued.
He lives a life he could have only dreamed of. His meals are cooked, laundry washed, pills administered, bed made. He is reminded to take a shower and to pick up his Tim Horton coupons. His doctors’ appointments are taken care of along with dentist, dietitian and physio-therapy and every specialist possible. He is not in the psychiatric ward. Ken has made friends with the other long-term patients. He is the self-professed king of the ward.
Ken still calls the head nurse, Nurse Rachett. He misses his beer. She caught him sneaking some in and confiscated it. Ken swears she’s an alcoholic. Occasionally he tries to stare her down but she just smiles.
Life is good as each morning he greets the arriving staff and patients with a smile and a wave while he feeds the birds from his perch outside the hospital doors. He is there to say goodbye at night.
KEN
They want me to leave and go into a home.
JACKIE
They make him the poster boy for the check-out policy. It is to this day plastered all over the hospital in large format. Ken, in the photo is grinning from ear to ear as nurse Rachett is pushing him out in a wheelchair. The caption reads ‘Preparing to Leave the Hospital?’ ‘Follow these instructions.’ The staff and all who know him laugh at the irony of it including Ken himself. It is his fifteen minutes of fame. He is stalling on leaving the hospital but it’s been two and half years. He’s was given notice six months ago. He is expected to be permanently released some time over the next two weeks. I don’t see him in an old folks home.
KEN
I’ll probably die today and I’m okay with that.
(Jackie moves to Ken’s side and holds his hand)
JACKIE
Ken dies peacefully, in his room, while eating his favourite lunch of peanut butter and jelly on white bread with a milk chaser. He didn’t get a chance to go outside for a final cigarette. The birds miss him. He is 61 years old.
LESLEY: Ken Fletcher was my big brother. Eleven years my senior. I felt compelled to tell this story in spite of the severe pain it caused me to write it and in spite of the number of tries it has taken. I am his voice. The voice that asks everyone not to judge a book by its cover – to respect every single human being – always.
The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap said:
Thank you for directing me here. I’m really left speechless by your beautiful writing and homage to your brother. Paulette
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thank you so much for taking some time. I felt you would understand so well –
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Naomi Baltuck said:
Lesley, I am so sorry for your loss. You have said this so well. It is very compelling.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thank you Naomi. This was a necessary step. The telling of Ken at that point in his life helps to erase other chapters.
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bluebrightly said:
Great insight and poetry – hard won, I’m sure. But you’ve made something valuable from it.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thank you. I appreciate your comment very much. 🙂 Les
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Pingback: Blog of the Year 2012 « catnipoflife
Tovah said:
Thank you for sharing! It takes much courage to delve into something so painful. Blessings-Tovah
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
I appreciate your support Tovah. May courage and blessings follow you too 🙂
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Tovah said:
Thank you for telling your brother’s story, it takes so much courage to delve into pain. Blessings-Tovah
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Carole Di Tosti (@mercedeskat45) said:
Wow! Thanks for sharing. You managed to get the tone right…so that we could feel the immense pain. That is very, very hard. I am unable to do that as of yet with experiences I have had years ago. Working through them so I will be able to. It is important to share these people and events; every human life is precious and invaluable. Thanks for sharing Ken.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Carole – Thanks so much for coming by. I worked hard on the tone. It became so important to let people know that although Ken was sick he was not destitute and although he had a wonderful advocate in my sister – he still fell though the cracks for a while.
I attended a ‘scientific cafe’ the other night about recovery and stigma. Recovery for a mentally ill person is – having a home, a job, food, and a relationship – this info gathered from patients. Now, Isn’t that what we all want?
I hope you will experiment with different ways of expressing some of the painful experiences you have dealt with. It is cleansing.
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greatpoetrymhf said:
Reblogged this on Greatpoetrymhf’s Weblog and commented:
BRAVO This is a story many need to hear Many now have a voice through this deep sharing` I am sharing it Could you Merci
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thanks so much for sharing. It is a subject that however uncomfortable must be shared, respected and accepted as 1/5 people are affected by mental illness at some point or most points of their lives.
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Marylin Warner said:
You did a beautiful job of speaking for your brother. An act of love and courage.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Sincere thanks for your comment here Marylin – Your generous words and others here have given the messages I needed to hear. xx
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rubensandthebard said:
beautifully painful. finding the beauty when you’re surrounded by pain is one of the most difficult things to do. Not everyone is up for the task and you’ve achieved it. True art provokes an emotion. I tip my hat to you. Much peace.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thanks for the kind words. Your message is well received and really, since writing this, I have found myself at peace. And I offer it back to you Dee
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rubensandthebard said:
Thank you for the offer, it to is well received.
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Ruth Ann Hixson said:
Lesley, a very heart-rending story. I am glad to have read it. I can’t find the right words but my heart is overflowing with…with what? Compassion? That and so much more. I am sure there is no psyche ward in Heaven.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
I too believe that 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving Ruth Ann – we have much to be thankful for afterall !
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Lynda McClelland said:
Lesley, I was so moved by your brothers story. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry that he and your family suffered so much. Unfortunately I see the negative attitude toward mental illness all the time in a medical environment. On a personal note…I have a family member who also suffers from mental illness.I have been trying to help her for years.However, I have found myself being very frustrated and not as supportive as I could be lately.Thank you for the attitude adjustment.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Welcome here Lynda my very cherished friend. Help comes in many packages. One of the things I learned was to help by providing information for living an independent life by learning to see signs that you (as a mentally ill person) recognise symptoms of a relapse. Money problems – find a financial counsellor and offer to accompany them if need be. Suicide threats – Provide the number for a hotline. Can’t get organised? – Offer help to put things (phone numbers, bills etc) in order to avoid further confusion.
Unfortunately, often when that time comes there is only a small window of time to act and if the resources aren’t there – one may only get an appointment in a week for instance – then all can seem lost and get worse!
In Montreal there is an implementation that is in effect that is meant to by-pass the wait but everyone is still waiting for it to go into full effect.
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Linda Willows said:
Lesley, written with such compassion and love, I saw Ken’s heart, his enduring spirit and deep struggle for peace in his life. Indeed he has found Heaven, Grace and Love, and turns back with a deep embrace of you and your gracious deep Heart.
Love, Linda
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Yes I believe that Linda. Many thanks for your sweet words… So relieved to know that his heart was apparent. xx
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susanscottsa said:
sheer poetry. Thank you for sharing this Lesley as I have too …
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thank you so much Susan
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viviankirkfield said:
Lesley…I don’t know what made me visit your blog today…but something did. And, instead of reading the post that I originally landed on, I clicked on this one instead.
What a beautifully powerful telling of a perfect Thanksgiving story! I couldn’t stop reading…your words held me captive.
I’m so sorry your brother’s pain was ignored for so long…but I’m happy that his final two years brought some relief and dignity back for him. Compassion costs nothing…but it is a priceless commodity that is often lacking in our ‘civilized’ world.
Thank you for sharing this…I will pass it on. I’m thankful to have connected with you. 🙂
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
The Universe has its own way of doling out what`s right. Thanks so much Vivian, for stopping by and especially for letting me know you were absorbed.
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catnipoflife said:
Lesley, go to http://catnipoflife.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/hugs-thank-yous/ Catnip has bestowed the Shine On and/or Reality Blog Award(s) to you. Grab the badge(s) and post to your site if you desire. Be sure to leave a comment so I know you stopped by and hopefully accepted!
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waywardweed said:
A bittersweet tale. My older son has schizo-affective disorder. The younger one just passed the bar to practice law in MA and RI. Perhaps this story will be theirs too.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
I hope not. Sincerely. Mental illness and the approach of care is very different now than when it was when I grew up. There are so many services (especially in the Boston area) that offer support to families. That didn’t exist then.
Having an early diagnosis to work with is crucial.
Congratulations to your lawyer son! and all the very best to your oldest. Love helps …
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LuAnn said:
Lesley, I so appreciate you having the strength to tell this story. We mustn’t judge a book by its cover or pass judgment at all until we have walked in another’s shoes. I have been holding off on writing a few things because they are dark, not stories full of light and laughter; however, they were a part of my life and that of my family. You have given me much to think about and hopefully the strength to use my voice. I admire what you have done more than you know. Compassion is truly the key.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Thanks so much LuAnn. It has taken me many attempts in many formats to tell a portion of Ken’s story. I needed to keep respect for him as much as possible. He deserved it. It wasn’t until I discovered the format of a monologue (with help from his real life advocate – my sister) that I could write it.
In fact, it is not a dark tale. It is actually a tale of light after much darkness as I have no doubt that the 2.5 years in the hospital were a godsend in comparison to his previous conditions. 🙂
Do write them LuAnn – and put them away for the day you feel free to share.
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LuAnn said:
So well done. Thank you for sharing this.
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Ayesha said:
seriously,right now i’m in this sort of situation,i agree i’m epileptic but not psyche just for my extra cleanliness i was taken to psychiatrist,being obdurate from last 5 years i’ve gone there only 5 times,i know i’m fine & i just wish my family understands me & stop paying heed to what outsiders say.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Ask for respect for your feelings Ayesha. Their love is not to blame. Perhaps your family needs you to do that to help them understand that your feelings are hurt by them. Outsiders can not possibly know and while they mean well, their influence is damaging. I understand.
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marymforbes said:
My heart and thoughts are with you Lesley. You are brave and strong. I enforce your words – never judge a book by its cover – never judge another as well. People are individuals.
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Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher said:
Compassion is key. Thanks Mary.
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